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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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MLB Umpires Admit Pitchers Throw Way Too Fast To Actually See Ball

NEW YORK—Describing the task of calling balls and strikes as mostly guesswork, MLB umpires admitted Thursday that pitchers throw way too fast for them to actually see the ball. “The ball is pretty small and it’s moving really quickly, so even when I’m watching super closely, it’s still impossible to tell,” said home plate umpire Scott Glennon, who further echoed the sentiments expressed by most of his colleagues by adding that pitches like sliders and curveballs move all over the place, making it even harder to tell what happened. “It’s good when the catcher reaches really far away from the plate so I know that it’s probably a ball, or if the batter swings and misses so I don’t have to pretend I knew where the ball went. Otherwise I just have to signal real emphatically to convince everyone I saw it.” Glennon also admitted that, like most of the league’s umps, he simply alternates back and forth between calling “safe” and “out” for every close play at the plate.

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