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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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MLS Signs David Beckham To 12-Team, $250 Million Deal

LOS ANGELES—All 12 Major League Soccer teams pooled their money together last Friday in an effort to sign European superstar David Beckham to a five-year, $250 million deal—the richest and most all-inclusive contract in league history. "Mr. Beckham will be a wonderful addition to the Galaxy, the Dynamo, the Red Bulls, the Fire, the Crew, and many other teams," said MLS commissioner Don Garber, who is also in charge of arranging which teams get custody of Beckham during certain weeks, games, and halves throughout the season. "We're very confident that David will lead one of these teams to the championship." Beckham, who recently claimed that he's always wanted to play in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Washington, Columbus, and Kansas City, will spend the next several months training, meeting with representatives, and being formally introduced at press conferences.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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