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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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MMA Fighter Unfortunately Discovers True Love For First Time On Morning Of Big Fight

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix. "You ask if I’m ready? I feel ready for so many things—I'm ready to love and be loved, I'm ready to be a father, I'm ready to trust somebody so much it literally pains me to think about life without them," Schrode said in a pre-fight interview, pausing momentarily to grab the hands of several reporters and "take in the moment." "I'm not worried about winning or losing. Think of what we could accomplish if we weren't so worried about winning everything and instead focused on being—being together. That's the kind of champion I hope to become." Hendrix won Saturday's bout with a 27-second knockout, in the process breaking Schrode's orbital bone, collapsing his lung, and displacing a disk in the love-struck fighter's neck.

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