After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mob Of Rowdy Mothers Bum-Rush Botanical Garden

GLENCOE, IL—Howling in the parking lot hours before the scheduled 8 a.m. opening time, a mob of rowdy mothers bum-rushed the Chicago Botanic Garden, shaken witnesses reported Sunday. “It was still dark when they showed up, hundreds of them—they were just throwing their bodies against the gate like animals,” said groundskeeper Walter Morse, adding that when the entrance proved too narrow for the surge of moms streaming onto the garden grounds, the horde simply clawed through nearby topiary hedges and had within minutes swarmed every path of the bulb garden, with several fistfights reportedly breaking out over prime photo spots in front of the tulip beds. “We tried to hold them back, but as soon as they got that first whiff of hydrangea, there was no controlling them. After a while, we could only watch and hope the Japanese garden would still be there when the moms finally left for brunch. We thought we’d have time to at least secure the gift shop because they’d stop there at the end of their rampage, but by the time we arrived, the door had already been kicked down, and every logo tote bag and lavender sachet was either gone or torn to pieces.” At press time, the mob had mostly dispersed, allowing paramedics to finally retrieve the mother who had been trampled and lay face-down in a field of bluebells.

After Birth

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