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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, run-friendly signal callers—is not actually a real thing. “There is no mobile quarterback era and we are not living in it,” said ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, noting that despite recent theories to the contrary, the best quarterbacks in the league remain those who adhere to the traditional offensive philosophy of dropping back and passing, there have never been more passes thrown than there are today, and that this has not and is not likely to change. “Look at the best QBs in the league right now: Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady. These are the types of players who consistently put points on the board, and the majority of the time they do so by passing the football or handing it off to another player to run. That is how the game is played.” In support of his point, Jaworski noted that some of the quarterbacks who have in the past been touted as revolutionizing the game of football with their run-heavy approach include Vince Young, Michael Vick, and Tim Tebow.

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