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Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, run-friendly signal callers—is not actually a real thing. “There is no mobile quarterback era and we are not living in it,” said ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, noting that despite recent theories to the contrary, the best quarterbacks in the league remain those who adhere to the traditional offensive philosophy of dropping back and passing, there have never been more passes thrown than there are today, and that this has not and is not likely to change. “Look at the best QBs in the league right now: Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady. These are the types of players who consistently put points on the board, and the majority of the time they do so by passing the football or handing it off to another player to run. That is how the game is played.” In support of his point, Jaworski noted that some of the quarterbacks who have in the past been touted as revolutionizing the game of football with their run-heavy approach include Vince Young, Michael Vick, and Tim Tebow.

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