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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, run-friendly signal callers—is not actually a real thing. “There is no mobile quarterback era and we are not living in it,” said ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, noting that despite recent theories to the contrary, the best quarterbacks in the league remain those who adhere to the traditional offensive philosophy of dropping back and passing, there have never been more passes thrown than there are today, and that this has not and is not likely to change. “Look at the best QBs in the league right now: Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady. These are the types of players who consistently put points on the board, and the majority of the time they do so by passing the football or handing it off to another player to run. That is how the game is played.” In support of his point, Jaworski noted that some of the quarterbacks who have in the past been touted as revolutionizing the game of football with their run-heavy approach include Vince Young, Michael Vick, and Tim Tebow.

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