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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Mobile Quarterback Era Not A Thing

BRISTOL, CT—Refuting numerous claims recently asserted in the world of football analysis, sources confirmed Friday that the so-called mobile quarterback era—a trend in the NFL in which the league supposedly is being dominated by aggressive, run-friendly signal callers—is not actually a real thing. “There is no mobile quarterback era and we are not living in it,” said ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, noting that despite recent theories to the contrary, the best quarterbacks in the league remain those who adhere to the traditional offensive philosophy of dropping back and passing, there have never been more passes thrown than there are today, and that this has not and is not likely to change. “Look at the best QBs in the league right now: Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady. These are the types of players who consistently put points on the board, and the majority of the time they do so by passing the football or handing it off to another player to run. That is how the game is played.” In support of his point, Jaworski noted that some of the quarterbacks who have in the past been touted as revolutionizing the game of football with their run-heavy approach include Vince Young, Michael Vick, and Tim Tebow.

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