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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected

GREENVILLE, SC—In an effort to help clarify the candidates’ positions for voters watching at home, CBS debate moderator John Dickerson asked the Republican presidential hopefuls Saturday to be specific when describing the hellscape the country would inevitably become if they were not elected. “Candidates, you will each have 60 seconds to describe the veil of nightmarish depravity and cataclysmic destruction that will envelop this nation if you do not become commander-in-chief,” said Dickerson, instructing each candidate to lay out precisely when and how each of the values and principles Americans hold dear will be stamped out of existence by the forces of sin and replaced with chaos, misery, and unspeakable carnage. “Please specify which kinds of barbaric deaths Americans should expect in the bleak future that awaits should they not cast a ballot for you. Also, feel free to expand on the types of grotesque and degenerate acts that, in a world where you do not occupy the Oval Office, will become a normal part of everyday life. Remember, voters are looking for a candidate who can clearly explain whether the smoldering, lifeless expanse we once called America will be covered in dust, ash, or the blood of innocents.” At press time, Ted Cruz was reportedly detailing a horrific, apocalyptic vision of a nation left ravaged by paid family leave, financial reform, and wind power subsidies.


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