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Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected

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Election 2016

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.
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Moderator Asks Candidates To Be Specific When Describing Hellscape Country Will Become If They Not Elected

GREENVILLE, SC—In an effort to help clarify the candidates’ positions for voters watching at home, CBS debate moderator John Dickerson asked the Republican presidential hopefuls Saturday to be specific when describing the hellscape the country would inevitably become if they were not elected. “Candidates, you will each have 60 seconds to describe the veil of nightmarish depravity and cataclysmic destruction that will envelop this nation if you do not become commander-in-chief,” said Dickerson, instructing each candidate to lay out precisely when and how each of the values and principles Americans hold dear will be stamped out of existence by the forces of sin and replaced with chaos, misery, and unspeakable carnage. “Please specify which kinds of barbaric deaths Americans should expect in the bleak future that awaits should they not cast a ballot for you. Also, feel free to expand on the types of grotesque and degenerate acts that, in a world where you do not occupy the Oval Office, will become a normal part of everyday life. Remember, voters are looking for a candidate who can clearly explain whether the smoldering, lifeless expanse we once called America will be covered in dust, ash, or the blood of innocents.” At press time, Ted Cruz was reportedly detailing a horrific, apocalyptic vision of a nation left ravaged by paid family leave, financial reform, and wind power subsidies.


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