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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of Campaign

MIAMI—Allowing the candidate to leave viewers with a final impression before the broadcast concluded, CNN moderator Jake Tapper reportedly gave Marco Rubio 90 seconds to deliver his campaign’s closing statement at the end of Thursday night’s Republican debate. “We have reached the conclusion of our debate, and now, Senator Rubio, you will have 90 seconds to wrap up your campaign for president of the United States,” said Tapper, advising the Florida senator to be concise and direct with his final words of the election cycle. “This is your last chance to speak directly to the American people before exiting the national stage, so please utilize your time wisely. You may now begin.” Tapper went on to assure John Kasich that he would have the same chance after Rubio was finished.

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