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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Moderators Give Marco Rubio 90 Seconds To Deliver Closing Statement Of Campaign

MIAMI—Allowing the candidate to leave viewers with a final impression before the broadcast concluded, CNN moderator Jake Tapper reportedly gave Marco Rubio 90 seconds to deliver his campaign’s closing statement at the end of Thursday night’s Republican debate. “We have reached the conclusion of our debate, and now, Senator Rubio, you will have 90 seconds to wrap up your campaign for president of the United States,” said Tapper, advising the Florida senator to be concise and direct with his final words of the election cycle. “This is your last chance to speak directly to the American people before exiting the national stage, so please utilize your time wisely. You may now begin.” Tapper went on to assure John Kasich that he would have the same chance after Rubio was finished.

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