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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel—a frenzied mélange of poppy, sesame, onion, and garlic seasonings fit to titillate only the most depraved palates. “I’ll have an everything bagel,” proclaimed the local advertising salesman and wanton pleasure-seeker in a declaration akin to that of the infamous Roman emperor of unbounded licentiousness, demanding that not one or two but seven distinct coatings adorn the baked good for no purpose other than his own trifling amusement. “Can I get that with veggie cream cheese, too? Thanks.” At press time, the lusty sybarite was adding a Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango juice to his order—a sinful orgy of exotic fruits that only the most reprobate of libertines dare even consider—in a final flourish of intemperance wholly in step with his bottomless, perverted cravings.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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