Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Modern-Day Caligula Orders Everything Bagel

MCKEESPORT, PA—Descending into a lurid bacchanal of decadence and excess, sources confirmed that modern-day Caligula Mike Suzik indulged the darkest and most debauched of his hedonistic appetites Thursday morning by ordering an everything bagel—a frenzied mélange of poppy, sesame, onion, and garlic seasonings fit to titillate only the most depraved palates. “I’ll have an everything bagel,” proclaimed the local advertising salesman and wanton pleasure-seeker in a declaration akin to that of the infamous Roman emperor of unbounded licentiousness, demanding that not one or two but seven distinct coatings adorn the baked good for no purpose other than his own trifling amusement. “Can I get that with veggie cream cheese, too? Thanks.” At press time, the lusty sybarite was adding a Nantucket Nectars Orange Mango juice to his order—a sinful orgy of exotic fruits that only the most reprobate of libertines dare even consider—in a final flourish of intemperance wholly in step with his bottomless, perverted cravings.