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Best Of January 2015

Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard.

Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations

CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time. ...
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Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion. “You can put the whole thing on my card,” said Grimaldi, who had also gallantly ferried the maiden in his horseless carriage to their village’s Planned Parenthood clinic. “I’m going to kill some time at Best Buy. I’ll swing by in about an hour, but text me if you get done before that or if it’s gonna be a much longer thing.” At press time, Grimaldi had squired Webster to a sumptuous feast at Denny’s and was eyeing the ample bosom of a comely young wench who strode forth bearing lunch.

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