adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
End Of Section
  • More News

'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide'

NEW YORK—As it has since the time before the Dawning of Color, the wise oracle TV Guide channeled visions from beyond the veil of this world last week to foretell the Wednesday night airing of Modern Family on ABC. "The hit family sitcom that everybody can relate to has appeared this night at nine o'clock in the East and eight o'clock Central, precisely as the Guide has preordained," said Minneapolis-area subscriber Randy Tedeschi, who also noted the accuracy of the text's prediction that the Dunphy-Pritchett clan would be too busy with personal commitments to appear in a nice family photo, greatly vexing Claire. "One wonders if this week's prophesy of another appearance at the same time next week will also prove true." Closer study revealed the all-knowing seers of TV Guide somehow divined that Wednesday's episode would be a repeat.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close