'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide'

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Vol 46 Issue 31

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday.

Illinois Does A Few Adult Films To Make Ends Meet

SPRINGFIELD, IL—After ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, officials say Illinois has been actively pursuing a number of sexually explicit scenes in direct-to-DVD features until it gets back on its feet.

Albert Haynesworth

The Redskins' defensive lineman has a checkered past and is currently struggling to get into condition. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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'Modern Family' Appears At 9 p.m. Just As Prophesied In 'TV Guide'

NEW YORK—As it has since the time before the Dawning of Color, the wise oracle TV Guide channeled visions from beyond the veil of this world last week to foretell the Wednesday night airing of Modern Family on ABC. "The hit family sitcom that everybody can relate to has appeared this night at nine o'clock in the East and eight o'clock Central, precisely as the Guide has preordained," said Minneapolis-area subscriber Randy Tedeschi, who also noted the accuracy of the text's prediction that the Dunphy-Pritchett clan would be too busy with personal commitments to appear in a nice family photo, greatly vexing Claire. "One wonders if this week's prophesy of another appearance at the same time next week will also prove true." Closer study revealed the all-knowing seers of TV Guide somehow divined that Wednesday's episode would be a repeat.

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