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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mohamed Sanu Very Disappointed To Discover Second Call From Bengals Not A Prank

CINCINNATI—New Bengals wide receiver Mohamed Sanu told reporters last week he had been "desperately relieved" to find out a phone call notifying him that Cincinnati had drafted him was a prank, but was later dejected when actual team representatives called to use a pick on him. "I have to admit, it was pretty funny when that kid told me the Bengals were drafting me in the first round, especially when I realized it was a joke," said Sanu, confirming the prankster "really had me going." "But the Bengals calling to say their disaster of a team actually was drafting me, just for a lot less money? What kind of sick human being does that?" Though acknowledging he cried when he first put on his Cincinnati jersey and realized he would be wasting away his youth playing for the Bengals, Sanu took solace in the fact that NFL careers are generally short and his dream of playing pro football would be over soon enough.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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