adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom To Boil Mouthguard Just For Herself For A Change

MASON, MI—Admitting that she doesn’t often get the chance to indulge herself, local mother of three Beth Everson announced plans Tuesday to boil a mouthguard just for herself for a change. “It feels like I’m always boiling a mouthguard for one of my kids, so for once, I’m going to set aside some free time to boil one for me,” said the 46-year-old, adding that with her adolescent sons playing both football and lacrosse, she rarely gets the opportunity to submerge a mouthguard into a bowl of boiling water in order to fit the rubber to her own teeth. “Don’t get me wrong, I love boiling mouthguards for my boys. But every now and then, I could really use an afternoon to just boil a nice mouthguard and then bite down on it myself for 30 or 40 seconds.” At press time, a contented Everson was quietly reading in the family’s living room while wearing a new mouthguard.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close