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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mom To Boil Mouthguard Just For Herself For A Change

MASON, MI—Admitting that she doesn’t often get the chance to indulge herself, local mother of three Beth Everson announced plans Tuesday to boil a mouthguard just for herself for a change. “It feels like I’m always boiling a mouthguard for one of my kids, so for once, I’m going to set aside some free time to boil one for me,” said the 46-year-old, adding that with her adolescent sons playing both football and lacrosse, she rarely gets the opportunity to submerge a mouthguard into a bowl of boiling water in order to fit the rubber to her own teeth. “Don’t get me wrong, I love boiling mouthguards for my boys. But every now and then, I could really use an afternoon to just boil a nice mouthguard and then bite down on it myself for 30 or 40 seconds.” At press time, a contented Everson was quietly reading in the family’s living room while wearing a new mouthguard.

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