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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Mom Breaks Into Son’s Apartment At Night To Administer 2013 Flu Vaccine

EXETER, RI—After leaving multiple phone and email messages reminding her son Josh, 28, to schedule an appointment with his doctor for his seasonal flu shot, area mom Kathleen Warner broke into his apartment in the dead of night Sunday and administered the 2013 flu vaccine herself, sources reported. “I warned you,” the 58-year-old woman reportedly whispered to her son through a black ski mask as she flicked the tip of the needle, pumped the syringe two times, and jabbed it into his arm. “I told you to schedule an appointment with your primary care physician. I even sent you a list of local flu clinics in your area. But you wouldn’t listen. Now we’re doing things my way.” Sources confirmed that after administering the vaccine and exiting her son’s room, Warner quickly tidied up the bathroom before slipping out the back door.

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