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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mom Breaks Into Son’s Apartment At Night To Administer 2013 Flu Vaccine

EXETER, RI—After leaving multiple phone and email messages reminding her son Josh, 28, to schedule an appointment with his doctor for his seasonal flu shot, area mom Kathleen Warner broke into his apartment in the dead of night Sunday and administered the 2013 flu vaccine herself, sources reported. “I warned you,” the 58-year-old woman reportedly whispered to her son through a black ski mask as she flicked the tip of the needle, pumped the syringe two times, and jabbed it into his arm. “I told you to schedule an appointment with your primary care physician. I even sent you a list of local flu clinics in your area. But you wouldn’t listen. Now we’re doing things my way.” Sources confirmed that after administering the vaccine and exiting her son’s room, Warner quickly tidied up the bathroom before slipping out the back door.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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