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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.” “She went out to the store to pick up some cereal and stuff, and then about an hour later she came back with that ‘Family’ sign,” said Matheson’s daughter, Erica, 17, adding that her mother had remarked “Isn’t that nice?” as she stood back to admire the piece of wood adorned in a large bold font that was now hanging by a length of twine next to the dining room entrance. “I don’t know what she was thinking. Do they even sell that kind of thing in the grocery store? Or maybe she went to another store nearby and picked it up? Either way, she seems to like it a lot.” Erica Matheson told reporters that the plaque was probably meant to complement the wooden block above the fireplace that simply reads “Home.”

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