Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.” “She went out to the store to pick up some cereal and stuff, and then about an hour later she came back with that ‘Family’ sign,” said Matheson’s daughter, Erica, 17, adding that her mother had remarked “Isn’t that nice?” as she stood back to admire the piece of wood adorned in a large bold font that was now hanging by a length of twine next to the dining room entrance. “I don’t know what she was thinking. Do they even sell that kind of thing in the grocery store? Or maybe she went to another store nearby and picked it up? Either way, she seems to like it a lot.” Erica Matheson told reporters that the plaque was probably meant to complement the wooden block above the fireplace that simply reads “Home.”

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