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Home Repair Tips

When projects need to be completed around the house, calling contractors can be expensive. Here are The Onion’s tips for do-it-yourself home repairs:

We Should Get That Guy Who Does A Half-Assed Job To Fix Our Roof

Honey, take a look at the ceiling. Notice how you can see the nails through the paint? That's water damage. The roof must be leaking. No, the upstairs bathroom is over the kitchen. It's definitely the roof. We need to take care of this before the drywall rots or the lights short out. Hey, you know the guy who built Sheila and Barry's old deck? You remember, the one that collapsed at their Fourth of July cookout? We should get him to fix our roof.
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Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.” “She went out to the store to pick up some cereal and stuff, and then about an hour later she came back with that ‘Family’ sign,” said Matheson’s daughter, Erica, 17, adding that her mother had remarked “Isn’t that nice?” as she stood back to admire the piece of wood adorned in a large bold font that was now hanging by a length of twine next to the dining room entrance. “I don’t know what she was thinking. Do they even sell that kind of thing in the grocery store? Or maybe she went to another store nearby and picked it up? Either way, she seems to like it a lot.” Erica Matheson told reporters that the plaque was probably meant to complement the wooden block above the fireplace that simply reads “Home.”

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