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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away 3-Ring Binder From Middle School

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school. “Hi honey, I just wanted to check in and see if I can throw out this binder I found when I was cleaning out your closet, the one with the dark blue cover and your name written in marker on the back,” said your mom, describing the plastic organizer containing seventh-grade science and math notes that had sat unused in a cardboard box for over 15 years. “It has a lot of papers in it, so I figured you might still want it. Just let me know and I can send it to you.” At press time, despite having your consent to dispose of the binder, your mother said she’d just hold onto it so you could decide what to do with it next time you visit.

After Birth

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