Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Mom Calling To Ask If She Can Throw Away 3-Ring Binder From Middle School

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school. “Hi honey, I just wanted to check in and see if I can throw out this binder I found when I was cleaning out your closet, the one with the dark blue cover and your name written in marker on the back,” said your mom, describing the plastic organizer containing seventh-grade science and math notes that had sat unused in a cardboard box for over 15 years. “It has a lot of papers in it, so I figured you might still want it. Just let me know and I can send it to you.” At press time, despite having your consent to dispose of the binder, your mother said she’d just hold onto it so you could decide what to do with it next time you visit.

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