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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago

RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of the fact that just 10 minutes ago she was engaged in a vicious shouting match with her husband. Putting items into cupboards with a silent and careful efficiency, the 35-year-old mom is reportedly behaving like someone with no memory of the bitter, threat-filled argument that mere moments ago resounded throughout the entire house. Eyewitnesses confirmed the only audible sound now is the soft clink of silverware and plates as the mother of three inspects items to ensure they are dry and then files them with pinpoint accuracy into various slots and drawers. At press time, sources indicated that Reyes’ husband had returned to the kitchen and quietly offered to empty the rest of the dishwasher for her.

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