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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago

RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of the fact that just 10 minutes ago she was engaged in a vicious shouting match with her husband. Putting items into cupboards with a silent and careful efficiency, the 35-year-old mom is reportedly behaving like someone with no memory of the bitter, threat-filled argument that mere moments ago resounded throughout the entire house. Eyewitnesses confirmed the only audible sound now is the soft clink of silverware and plates as the mother of three inspects items to ensure they are dry and then files them with pinpoint accuracy into various slots and drawers. At press time, sources indicated that Reyes’ husband had returned to the kitchen and quietly offered to empty the rest of the dishwasher for her.

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