adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago

RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of the fact that just 10 minutes ago she was engaged in a vicious shouting match with her husband. Putting items into cupboards with a silent and careful efficiency, the 35-year-old mom is reportedly behaving like someone with no memory of the bitter, threat-filled argument that mere moments ago resounded throughout the entire house. Eyewitnesses confirmed the only audible sound now is the soft clink of silverware and plates as the mother of three inspects items to ensure they are dry and then files them with pinpoint accuracy into various slots and drawers. At press time, sources indicated that Reyes’ husband had returned to the kitchen and quietly offered to empty the rest of the dishwasher for her.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close