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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Mom Can't Wait For Halloween Episode Of 'The Big Bang Theory'

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Since Oct. 1, local mother of three Danielle Campbell has been beside herself in anticipation of the Halloween episode of the popular CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory, and has so far spent the month leading up to Halloween speculating about the plotline and romantic twist the episode might contain. "I wonder if Sheldon will dress as another science concept, like lasers," the 42-year-old woman who hasn't gone out for Halloween herself in two decades said with a giggle. "I hope they don't all dress up like the Flash again! But it was on that very same episode when Leonard and Penny kissed for the first time. Bazinga!" Campbell then scanned through her Big Bang Theory DVDs to comb them for information about possible candy allergies that might play a part in the episode.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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