Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work

BOTHELL, WA—Saying she wanted the 13-year-old to get the right information straight from her, area mom Karen Winston told reporters Wednesday that it was probably about time to sit down with her adolescent daughter and explain how Weight Watchers points work. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about with your mom, but she’s gotten to that point in her life where she just needs to know exactly how many points a cereal bar counts as,” said Winston, adding that she wanted to have a frank conversation with her daughter Emma about the four components of SmartPoints so that she could make her own informed choices once she started doing Weight Watchers. “I don’t want her making decisions based on stuff she hears at school or sees online, because I’m worried she’ll get the wrong idea about how to reach her target weight or, God forbid, do something stupid like eyeball her portion sizes instead of measuring them. I really just want to make sure Emma has a positive, healthy attitude about Weight Watchers, because she’ll have to deal with the consequences of the decisions she makes now for the rest of her life.” Winston went on to say that she hoped to avoid the mistake she made with her eldest daughter, Ashley, who never received the Weight Watchers points talk and ended up getting fat at 17.

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