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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work

BOTHELL, WA—Saying she wanted the 13-year-old to get the right information straight from her, area mom Karen Winston told reporters Wednesday that it was probably about time to sit down with her adolescent daughter and explain how Weight Watchers points work. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about with your mom, but she’s gotten to that point in her life where she just needs to know exactly how many points a cereal bar counts as,” said Winston, adding that she wanted to have a frank conversation with her daughter Emma about the four components of SmartPoints so that she could make her own informed choices once she started doing Weight Watchers. “I don’t want her making decisions based on stuff she hears at school or sees online, because I’m worried she’ll get the wrong idea about how to reach her target weight or, God forbid, do something stupid like eyeball her portion sizes instead of measuring them. I really just want to make sure Emma has a positive, healthy attitude about Weight Watchers, because she’ll have to deal with the consequences of the decisions she makes now for the rest of her life.” Winston went on to say that she hoped to avoid the mistake she made with her eldest daughter, Ashley, who never received the Weight Watchers points talk and ended up getting fat at 17.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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