Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Mom Figures It About Time To Sit Down Adolescent Daughter And Explain How Weight Watchers Points Work

BOTHELL, WA—Saying she wanted the 13-year-old to get the right information straight from her, area mom Karen Winston told reporters Wednesday that it was probably about time to sit down with her adolescent daughter and explain how Weight Watchers points work. “I know it’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about with your mom, but she’s gotten to that point in her life where she just needs to know exactly how many points a cereal bar counts as,” said Winston, adding that she wanted to have a frank conversation with her daughter Emma about the four components of SmartPoints so that she could make her own informed choices once she started doing Weight Watchers. “I don’t want her making decisions based on stuff she hears at school or sees online, because I’m worried she’ll get the wrong idea about how to reach her target weight or, God forbid, do something stupid like eyeball her portion sizes instead of measuring them. I really just want to make sure Emma has a positive, healthy attitude about Weight Watchers, because she’ll have to deal with the consequences of the decisions she makes now for the rest of her life.” Winston went on to say that she hoped to avoid the mistake she made with her eldest daughter, Ashley, who never received the Weight Watchers points talk and ended up getting fat at 17.

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