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Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit

GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the level of intoxication necessary to don her bathing suit. The 48-year-old announced her intention to get the family fun time underway by going down to the hotel's indoor pool, saying she didn't give a wet fig who was looking. "Okay, I'm ready!" said Morris, stepping out of the bathroom. "Let's go have some fun!" Without even a towel to cover her midsection during the journey from hotel room to pool area, the slightly tipsy Morris spent 20 minutes swimming and another 10 in the hot tub, after which she reportedly returned to her room to sleep it off.

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