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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit

GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the level of intoxication necessary to don her bathing suit. The 48-year-old announced her intention to get the family fun time underway by going down to the hotel's indoor pool, saying she didn't give a wet fig who was looking. "Okay, I'm ready!" said Morris, stepping out of the bathroom. "Let's go have some fun!" Without even a towel to cover her midsection during the journey from hotel room to pool area, the slightly tipsy Morris spent 20 minutes swimming and another 10 in the hot tub, after which she reportedly returned to her room to sleep it off.

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