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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Mom Hasn't Ordered Favorite Pizza Topping In Over A Decade

'It's Spinach, They Won't Let Me,' Mom Says

WEXFORD, PA—Saying that “it’s fine, really,” local mother Catherine Reynolds told reporters Wednesday that she has not been able to order her favorite pizza topping, spinach, in nearly 12 years. “Tyler, what kind of pizza do you want? Spinach?” said Reynolds to her two young children, who have denied or outright ignored their mother’s requests for white pizza and spinach since 2002. “Maybe we get half spinach, half cheese? Okay, that’s fine. Half cheese, half pepperoni. I’ll call now.” At press time, Reynolds was settling in to watch Wrath Of The Titans, the movie her children had selected over Hope Springs.

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