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Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

BOISE, ID—Calling to check on him for the fourth consecutive morning amid reports of the dangers posed by Hurricane Sandy, local mom Mary Canfield expressed relief Tuesday after learning her son in New York wasn’t underneath that crane that’s dangling from a high-rise apartment building in Manhattan. “Oh, thank God—the thought of you standing under that big, dangling crane was just awful,” said the concerned mother, explaining that as soon as she saw TV footage of the crane on 57th Street in Midtown, she had a “horrible vision” of her son, a 27-year-old Brooklyn resident, trapped beneath the twisted wreckage of the crane as floodwaters rose around him. “They’re saying it’s 1,000 feet up in the air and just flapping around waiting to fall. Honey, promise you won’t go near that crane, okay?” Canfield added that in case of an emergency, her son should feel free to call her friend Debbie up in Utica.

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