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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad

LINCOLN, NE—According to sources, local mother Katherine Woolverton, 61, called her son Sam on Tuesday evening just to say hello and that she’s feeling very, very sad. “I felt like crying all day today; just calling to catch up and hear your voice,” said Woolverton, listening intently as her son filled her in on his new apartment and the latest developments at his job before casually mentioning how she has been experiencing feelings of deep melancholy. “Anyway, I’m going to get back to thumbing through some old family photos from that time you and your sister dressed up like Bert and Ernie for Halloween. Nice chitchatting! I love you. I’m very sad.” Sources confirmed that within minutes, Woolverton had sent her son a follow-up text thanking him for talking to her.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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