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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad

LINCOLN, NE—According to sources, local mother Katherine Woolverton, 61, called her son Sam on Tuesday evening just to say hello and that she’s feeling very, very sad. “I felt like crying all day today; just calling to catch up and hear your voice,” said Woolverton, listening intently as her son filled her in on his new apartment and the latest developments at his job before casually mentioning how she has been experiencing feelings of deep melancholy. “Anyway, I’m going to get back to thumbing through some old family photos from that time you and your sister dressed up like Bert and Ernie for Halloween. Nice chitchatting! I love you. I’m very sad.” Sources confirmed that within minutes, Woolverton had sent her son a follow-up text thanking him for talking to her.

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