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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Mom Just Called To Say Hi And That She’s Very Sad

LINCOLN, NE—According to sources, local mother Katherine Woolverton, 61, called her son Sam on Tuesday evening just to say hello and that she’s feeling very, very sad. “I felt like crying all day today; just calling to catch up and hear your voice,” said Woolverton, listening intently as her son filled her in on his new apartment and the latest developments at his job before casually mentioning how she has been experiencing feelings of deep melancholy. “Anyway, I’m going to get back to thumbing through some old family photos from that time you and your sister dressed up like Bert and Ernie for Halloween. Nice chitchatting! I love you. I’m very sad.” Sources confirmed that within minutes, Woolverton had sent her son a follow-up text thanking him for talking to her.

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