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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice. “I was thinking we could watch a happy movie this time,” Halstead said as she joined her husband and children in the living room, suggesting they find a film they could all watch, and not a sad one where someone dies at the end or a violent one where “everybody’s shooting at everybody else the whole time.” “You know I can’t watch that blood-and-guts stuff. Could we maybe pick something that’s upbeat and has a funny person in it? Maybe something with Billy Crystal.” At press time, reports confirmed Halsted had been outvoted four to one, and the family was watching The Departed again.

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