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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom Keeps Sending Newspaper Clippings About Former Classmates Who Have Been Murdered

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Annoyed by all the regular updates from home concerning his former classmates, 26-year-old graphic designer John Galleon told reporters Tuesday that he wished his mother would stop sending him newspaper clippings anytime someone he went to school with was murdered. “She can’t help herself. Every single time one of my old classmates turns up in a dumpster or something, I get an article about it in the mail, even if it’s about someone I hadn’t been friends with since middle school or some kid who was a year below me,” said an exasperated Galleon, who showed reporters a clipping he recently received concerning the homicide and dismemberment of a schoolmate whom he said he had “maybe one class with” during sophomore year. “I also got three or four articles about the murder and memorial for this girl Megan Finneron who I barely even knew. Mom only sent it to me because she’s friends with Megan’s parents and always thought the two of us should be friends. It’s so frustrating.” While Galleon said he usually throws away the newspaper articles without looking at them, he admitted that he did appreciate reading the update about the decapitated remains of his ninth-grade sweetheart, Allison Carotti.

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