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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Mom Keeps Sending Newspaper Clippings About Former Classmates Who Have Been Murdered

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Annoyed by all the regular updates from home concerning his former classmates, 26-year-old graphic designer John Galleon told reporters Tuesday that he wished his mother would stop sending him newspaper clippings anytime someone he went to school with was murdered. “She can’t help herself. Every single time one of my old classmates turns up in a dumpster or something, I get an article about it in the mail, even if it’s about someone I hadn’t been friends with since middle school or some kid who was a year below me,” said an exasperated Galleon, who showed reporters a clipping he recently received concerning the homicide and dismemberment of a schoolmate whom he said he had “maybe one class with” during sophomore year. “I also got three or four articles about the murder and memorial for this girl Megan Finneron who I barely even knew. Mom only sent it to me because she’s friends with Megan’s parents and always thought the two of us should be friends. It’s so frustrating.” While Galleon said he usually throws away the newspaper articles without looking at them, he admitted that he did appreciate reading the update about the decapitated remains of his ninth-grade sweetheart, Allison Carotti.

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