After Birth

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Leaks Out Another Divorce Detail During Drive To SAT Prep Class

EDMONDS, WA—While driving her 15-year-old son Jonathan to his SAT prep class last evening, area mom Donna Callins leaked another detail of her divorce from the teenager’s father earlier this year, sources reported. “You know by this time last fall, he had already picked out a condo in the Southwest—I suppose you weren’t aware of that,” the 48-year-old mother said in what reports confirmed was merely the latest in a series of increasingly forthcoming disclosures to her son on the subject of her failed marriage, quickly adding that she “shouldn’t be talking about this with [him]” before expounding further on the topic. “At that point, I’m not sure if you know this, but we hadn’t been speaking for three months, except about you kids. Your father is a very difficult man. Anyway, have a good time! Text me when it’s over.” Sources later reported that Jonathan Callins sat quietly for the entire duration of the car ride.

After Birth

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