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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed. “It’s called broccoli rabe,” said Tyson, who quickly clarified to her family that the produce was not broccoli, but was kind of like it. “Carol from book club told me about it and sent me a recipe to cook it in a skillet. She said you can even put it in pasta, too. I think I want to cook it next week.” An upbeat Tyson went on to tell her quiet, unresponsive family members that while she hadn’t tried it yet, she thinks they will all like it.

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