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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday. “It’s always the same—she goes out and buys a few things, and then, lo and behold, she’s back at the mall a couple of days later to return part, if not all, of the items,” Schulte’s daughter Emily said of the unrelenting cycle, adding that her mother has been known to buy a top or a belt at Lord & Taylor only to bring it back the very next day without even having taken it out of the bag. “There’s no beginning and no end. I don’t know if she has any reasons at all for her behavior or whether it’s just an unconscious reflex. Whatever it is, she’s trapped.” At press time, the elder Schulte had received word of Lord & Taylor’s Spring Clearance Sale, dashing any hope that she would liberate herself anytime soon.

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