Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday. “It’s always the same—she goes out and buys a few things, and then, lo and behold, she’s back at the mall a couple of days later to return part, if not all, of the items,” Schulte’s daughter Emily said of the unrelenting cycle, adding that her mother has been known to buy a top or a belt at Lord & Taylor only to bring it back the very next day without even having taken it out of the bag. “There’s no beginning and no end. I don’t know if she has any reasons at all for her behavior or whether it’s just an unconscious reflex. Whatever it is, she’s trapped.” At press time, the elder Schulte had received word of Lord & Taylor’s Spring Clearance Sale, dashing any hope that she would liberate herself anytime soon.

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