Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Mom Locked In Infinite Loop Of Purchasing, Returning Items From Lord & Taylor

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Powerless to break free from the department store’s grip, local mom Patricia Schulte, 54, is locked in an infinite loop of purchasing and returning items from Lord & Taylor, sources said Wednesday. “It’s always the same—she goes out and buys a few things, and then, lo and behold, she’s back at the mall a couple of days later to return part, if not all, of the items,” Schulte’s daughter Emily said of the unrelenting cycle, adding that her mother has been known to buy a top or a belt at Lord & Taylor only to bring it back the very next day without even having taken it out of the bag. “There’s no beginning and no end. I don’t know if she has any reasons at all for her behavior or whether it’s just an unconscious reflex. Whatever it is, she’s trapped.” At press time, the elder Schulte had received word of Lord & Taylor’s Spring Clearance Sale, dashing any hope that she would liberate herself anytime soon.

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