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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Much More Insistent About Getting Grandkids From One Child Than Other

FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him. “Whenever the family’s together, Mom’s always asking Matt when he and his wife are going to have a baby, even though we’re both married and I’m actually two years older than him,” said Koppel, adding that his mother has been repeatedly dropping hints about her desire to be a grandparent and talking about how cute his brother’s kids will be, but has never once inquired about the elder son’s desire to be a father or mentioned the fact she already had kids when she was his age. “Matt told me they went out for lunch last week and Mom was going on and on about how lucky her friends were to have grandkids and how much she’d love to babysit. Denise and I have been married for three years and I don’t think she’s ever mentioned being excited about us having kids or asked if we have any favorite baby names. Even Dad hasn’t said anything about it.” Koppel added that his family was also far less likely to complain about the fact that he had moved so far from home, despite his brother living about the same distance away as him.

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