adBlockCheck

Local

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode. “You can usually hear her coming downstairs in her slippers around 9:45 or so,” said son Wes Rampling, 16, who noted that upon entering nightgown mode, his mother invariably goes around closing the downstairs curtains while waiting for the kettle to boil so she can make a cup of tea. “She’ll go check to make sure the front door’s locked, then she’ll open the back door to see if the cat wants to come in before locking that up, too. Then she’ll sit in the living room for a while and do about half a crossword puzzle. It’s the same thing every night.” According to sources, Linda Rampling reportedly progressed to the terminal phase of nightgown mode several minutes later upon applying avocado moisturizing cream to her face and retreating into her room with the latest Harper’s Bazaar.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close