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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode. “You can usually hear her coming downstairs in her slippers around 9:45 or so,” said son Wes Rampling, 16, who noted that upon entering nightgown mode, his mother invariably goes around closing the downstairs curtains while waiting for the kettle to boil so she can make a cup of tea. “She’ll go check to make sure the front door’s locked, then she’ll open the back door to see if the cat wants to come in before locking that up, too. Then she’ll sit in the living room for a while and do about half a crossword puzzle. It’s the same thing every night.” According to sources, Linda Rampling reportedly progressed to the terminal phase of nightgown mode several minutes later upon applying avocado moisturizing cream to her face and retreating into her room with the latest Harper’s Bazaar.

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