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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode. “You can usually hear her coming downstairs in her slippers around 9:45 or so,” said son Wes Rampling, 16, who noted that upon entering nightgown mode, his mother invariably goes around closing the downstairs curtains while waiting for the kettle to boil so she can make a cup of tea. “She’ll go check to make sure the front door’s locked, then she’ll open the back door to see if the cat wants to come in before locking that up, too. Then she’ll sit in the living room for a while and do about half a crossword puzzle. It’s the same thing every night.” According to sources, Linda Rampling reportedly progressed to the terminal phase of nightgown mode several minutes later upon applying avocado moisturizing cream to her face and retreating into her room with the latest Harper’s Bazaar.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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