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Gift Giving

The Onion’s Tips For Buying A Wedding Present

Try to select a gift that commemorates the divine occasion that is the union of two souls—two souls who have entwined themselves as one in an ageless bond of mutual and deeply felt love, respect, and adoration—like a serving tray or a Bissell...
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Gift Giving

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present. “Oh, I’ve got a bag right here,” said Wolfson, seeming to create matter out of nothing as a festively patterned blue-and-white bag with fabric handles that was suited perfectly to the occasion of a boy’s baby shower suddenly materialized in her hands. “There you go, hon. If this one isn’t the right size or you don’t like the color, I could get you another one.” At press time, Wolfson was pointing out that there was also a tasteful greeting card, which had apparently been manifested through sheer thought alone, already waiting inside the bag.

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