After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Mom Really Funny Today

KENSINGTON, MD—Local teens James Ripley, 17, and David Ripley, 14, expressed surprise today when their mother, 47-year-old Cynthia Ripley legitimately made them laugh on several occasions within a 24-hour span. "I didn't know Mom could be funny." said James, who described his mother's usual attempts at humor as "not funny." "When she was on the phone with Aunt Linda [Generro], she was making all these hilarious 'I'm crazy' faces, and when Dad dropped the remote she was like 'smooth move, George Clooney.' She was really funny." The matriarch's comedic run will reportedly end during dinner, when she picks up the salad tongs and pretends to play them like a guitar.

After Birth

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