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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Really Funny Today

KENSINGTON, MD—Local teens James Ripley, 17, and David Ripley, 14, expressed surprise today when their mother, 47-year-old Cynthia Ripley legitimately made them laugh on several occasions within a 24-hour span. "I didn't know Mom could be funny." said James, who described his mother's usual attempts at humor as "not funny." "When she was on the phone with Aunt Linda [Generro], she was making all these hilarious 'I'm crazy' faces, and when Dad dropped the remote she was like 'smooth move, George Clooney.' She was really funny." The matriarch's comedic run will reportedly end during dinner, when she picks up the salad tongs and pretends to play them like a guitar.

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