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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Really Gunning To Befriend Babysitter During Weekly 3-Minute Interactions

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday. “Did you end up getting that dress you were looking at for winter formal, Sophie? It sounded gorgeous,” the 45-year-old mother of two reportedly said, picking up the thread of the conversation at the precise point where the two had left off the week before and deftly using the brief 180-second period during which she pays the babysitter and then walks her to the door to rapidly glean as much information as possible about her schoolwork, field hockey team, and plans for next summer. “And do you still think Ethan might ask you to go? That boy would be crazy to miss out on going with you.” Sources confirmed that Brullard then lit up immediately when the babysitter accepted her offer for a ride home and eagerly used the extended one-on-one time to probe her college choices in depth.

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