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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now

LYNCHBURG, VA—Noting the addition of some nice new shops and restaurants downtown, local mom Erica Dodson, 52, confirmed during a phone call with her daughter Ashlee today that their hometown actually has a lot going on now. “There’s a funky little place that sells fancy olive oil and vinegar, and a wood oven pizzeria where Casey’s used to be,” said Dodson, who reportedly revealed to her 25-year-old daughter how she read in the paper that Riverside Park would feature free concerts every Thursday during the summer. “You’d be surprised. The farmers market has gotten really big, too, and Mamma Mia! is coming to the performing arts center.” Dodson then reportedly finished the conversation by suggesting that her daughter come home when she has some time and check out the new art gallery in town that has hand-blown glass.

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