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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Mom Sent On Fact-Finding Mission To Read What Parking Sign Down Street Says

INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign. “I can’t see from here—find out when they tow and if there’s a thing with street sweeping on certain days,” said Jowhari’s daughter Katie, 15, who remained in the idling vehicle with her father and brother while her mother jogged down the sidewalk to gather the details required to determine if it was, in fact, safe to leave their vehicle. “And what’s that little red sign below the green one? Something about deliveries? Oh, maybe you can park there but only on weekends. Do they do that?” At press time, family members were attempting to make sense of the 46-year-old’s exaggerated waving from down the block.

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