adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom Sits Down For Dinner 3 Months After Rest Of Family Finishes Meal

NOVI, MI—Having insisted that her husband and three kids start without her, local mother Cheryl Lenox sat down for dinner three months after the rest of her family finished their meal, sources confirmed Monday. “Mmm, this smells good,” Lenox reportedly said out loud to an empty kitchen table as she finally sat down with a plate of roast pork and vegetables she had prepared for her family back on December 19 of last year. “Oh, I might need to heat this up for a few minutes.” Sources confirmed that Lenox was able to eat four bites of the meal before she was summoned to get up and pack lunches for her family.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close