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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Mom Starting To Fear Son’s Web Series Closest Thing She Will Have To Grandchild

WHITE PLAINS, NY—With still no indication that her 30-year-old son Bryan has any interest in entering a romantic relationship or starting a family, area mother Kathleen Williamson told reporters this week that she is starting to fear his web series is the closest thing she will ever have to a grandchild. “At this point, he’s made about 40 episodes and doesn’t do much else, so unless something changes, I think this is all I’m going to get,” the 62-year-old said while browsing the website for Two Weeks Notice, a comedy web series about a group of perpetually unemployed roommates in Brooklyn that her only child has written, directed, and starred in for the past five years. “I suppose there’s a chance he could meet someone and lose interest in making more of these, but this may very well be the only source of pride I get in my old age. It’s nice that I can watch Bryan’s show whenever I want, though.” At press time, sources confirmed that Williamson had visited the series’ fan page on Facebook and written “My son is hysterical!!” in the latest episode’s comments section.

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