adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom Thinks You’d Enjoy Restaurant She Can’t Remember Name Of Right Now

ST. LOUIS—Noting that both she and your father thought everything about the place was just right up your alley, your mother confirmed Wednesday that she believes you’d really enjoy a new restaurant in town whose name she can’t quite remember at the moment. “I can’t for the life of me think of what it’s called, but I’m telling you, you’d love it,” said your mom, adding that the recently opened establishment, which she reported was done really nice inside, was located down over in that area where they built all those new shops. “Everything we got was absolutely delicious. I ordered something that was a lot like that dish I like from the Italian place down the road, and your dad’s food came with this amazing sauce I’d never heard of before—hey, honey? What did they say was in that chicken thing you ordered the other night?” Your mother further suggested taking your friends there sometime and making a whole night out of it, saying the people at the next table were just raving about whatever kind of wine they were drinking.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close