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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom Thought NFL’s First Openly Gay Player Should Have Been Drafted Earlier

MINNETONKA, MN—Saying he was clearly one of the top choices and definitely should not have been one of the last players selected, local mother Annalise Callahan told reporters Monday that she thought Michael Sam, the NFL’s first openly gay player, should have been drafted earlier. “I don’t get why it took so long for him to get picked—he should have been one of the first ones,” said Callahan, expressing her disbelief that the defensive end was selected 249th overall and noting that, if she were them, she would have chosen him as number one. “You’d think one of those teams would have picked him in the top 10. I mean, it would have at least been a nice thing to do. I don’t know why they even chose all those fat guys before him who probably can’t even run.” Callahan went on to add that while she was happy for Sam, she shouldn’t have to worry about seeing two men kissing every time she turned on her TV.

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