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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Mom Tries To Appear Interested In Daughter's Documentary

BOISE, ID—Connie Barstow, 56, struggled Monday to appear interested in her 29-year-old daughter Andrea's just-completed independent documentary, Incident At Round Rock. "Is that you holding that microphone?" asked Barstow, watching her daughter's 94-minute investigation of a racially motivated 1996 beating in a small northern Idaho town. "I think I recognize that purple bracelet you always wear." Connie went on to state that Andrea has a lovely speaking voice and could have narrated the film herself.

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