adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now

SUN VALLEY, ID—Dental hygienist and mother June Treadway, 36, appears unaware that the thoughtful note she wrote at 6:30 a.m. and slipped into her son's lunch is the reason why he's now getting the shit kicked out of him, witnesses confirmed Thursday. "I like to leave a message in there each day so he gets a nice little surprise at lunchtime," Treadway said of the note taped to a cup of mandarin oranges that is currently being dumped over the 10-year-old's head as he is mercilessly made fun of for eating "pussy food." "It's just my way of letting him know that, even if he's having a hard day at school, there's someone at home who will always be there for him." Reports indicated Treadway is also unaware that, later tonight, the bully who taunted her son will read the note aloud to himself and pretend it's from his own mother, who abandoned her family eight years ago.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close