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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now

SUN VALLEY, ID—Dental hygienist and mother June Treadway, 36, appears unaware that the thoughtful note she wrote at 6:30 a.m. and slipped into her son's lunch is the reason why he's now getting the shit kicked out of him, witnesses confirmed Thursday. "I like to leave a message in there each day so he gets a nice little surprise at lunchtime," Treadway said of the note taped to a cup of mandarin oranges that is currently being dumped over the 10-year-old's head as he is mercilessly made fun of for eating "pussy food." "It's just my way of letting him know that, even if he's having a hard day at school, there's someone at home who will always be there for him." Reports indicated Treadway is also unaware that, later tonight, the bully who taunted her son will read the note aloud to himself and pretend it's from his own mother, who abandoned her family eight years ago.

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