adBlockCheck

Recent News

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mom Unaware Little Note She Packed With Son's Lunch Getting Him Beaten Up Right Now

SUN VALLEY, ID—Dental hygienist and mother June Treadway, 36, appears unaware that the thoughtful note she wrote at 6:30 a.m. and slipped into her son's lunch is the reason why he's now getting the shit kicked out of him, witnesses confirmed Thursday. "I like to leave a message in there each day so he gets a nice little surprise at lunchtime," Treadway said of the note taped to a cup of mandarin oranges that is currently being dumped over the 10-year-old's head as he is mercilessly made fun of for eating "pussy food." "It's just my way of letting him know that, even if he's having a hard day at school, there's someone at home who will always be there for him." Reports indicated Treadway is also unaware that, later tonight, the bully who taunted her son will read the note aloud to himself and pretend it's from his own mother, who abandoned her family eight years ago.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close