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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now

JANESVILLE, WI—Expressing her excitement to be shown around where you live and work, your mother reportedly called you Thursday to see if you would be free if she came to visit 14 months from now. “Would the weekend of May 19 work for you?” said your mom of a three-day period in late spring 2017, adding that she needed to know if you had any conflicts on the dates 60 weeks in the future before she booked her ticket. “If you’re busy those days, I’m happy to visit later on—maybe the first week of next June? Whatever works best for you.” Your mother then reportedly informed you that she or your father would be able to pick you up from the airport on Wednesday, November 23 if you come home for Thanksgiving this year.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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