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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now

JANESVILLE, WI—Expressing her excitement to be shown around where you live and work, your mother reportedly called you Thursday to see if you would be free if she came to visit 14 months from now. “Would the weekend of May 19 work for you?” said your mom of a three-day period in late spring 2017, adding that she needed to know if you had any conflicts on the dates 60 weeks in the future before she booked her ticket. “If you’re busy those days, I’m happy to visit later on—maybe the first week of next June? Whatever works best for you.” Your mother then reportedly informed you that she or your father would be able to pick you up from the airport on Wednesday, November 23 if you come home for Thanksgiving this year.

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