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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mom Wants One Of Those Things Your Sister Has For Christmas

​CHICAGO—Noting that your sibling always mentions that she really likes hers and uses it all the time, your mother confirmed Thursday that she wants one of those things your sister has for Christmas. “Oh, I don’t need much—you could just get me that thing your sister got a while back,” said Mom, adding that she thinks you can buy them from Target, but if you can’t find them there, they’ll probably have them at the mall or maybe on the internet. “Just tell your sister it’s the thing she showed me when we came over for dinner. I said I thought it was neat. She’ll know what you’re talking about.” At press time, Mom added that if the thing was unavailable, a gift certificate for that one place you went to once would also be nice.

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