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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Mommy Having Sleepover

GALESBURG, IL—Five days after Daddy's disappearance, Mommy hosted "Uncle" Rick at a sleepover, 5-year-old Hannah Dalton reported Monday. "They drank a lot of that special soda for grownups, and they watched movies," Hannah said. "And later, they must have told ghost stories, because I heard them both moaning and screaming." The morning after the sleepover, a departing Rick permitted Hannah to eat as much Count Chocula as she wanted, as long as she did not wake Mommy.

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