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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Mommy Not Moving

ST. LOUIS–According to 4-year-old Ashley Theiss, Mommy is not moving. Mommy, a 36-year-old St. Louis-area pretty lady, has reportedly been sleeping on the dining-room floor ever since eating all of her little pills Monday. Though she had been rendered immobile on numerous previous occasions after being hit with Daddy-wielded chairs, Mommy has never before gone to sleep for such a long period of time.

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