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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah. “Mom’s always had this really loud, scruffy friend who seems a little bit off,” said Hewer, 17, adding that even in public, the peculiar acquaintance’s long, curly hair is typically bunched into a messy ponytail or simply left to drape over loose-fitting clothing. “Of course there’s also the high-pitched laugh and his weird gap-toothed grin. At some point, probably when I first heard that awful shrieking, I just realized, ‘Oh, that’s Joakim Noah from the Bulls.’” Hewer added that the revelation has since clarified why his mother’s odd friend constantly bad-mouths Kevin Garnett during any conversation.

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