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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll

WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black Guy in the 2012 presidential race.

Citing Money Man's significant appeal among veterans—as well as his narrow lead in Florida, a crucial swing state that went to Black Guy in 2008—experts said Money Man is closing the gap on a race that, until quite recently, seemed to be firmly under Black Guy's control.

"I have to say, Money Man has really impressed me lately," said poll respondent Mike Hargett, who is among the 45 percent of independent voters planning to cast a ballot for Money Man in November. "I voted for Black Guy in the last election, but I’ve been fairly disappointed with the job he’s done. As much as I admire Black Guy and his historic achievement, it just seems like the time is right for someone new with fresh ideas to come in and shake things up a bit."

"Someone like Money Man," Hargett added.

Still, Money Man’s current one-point lead over Black Guy is within the Gallup poll’s margin of error, and Washington insiders have pointed to several encouraging signs for Black Guy, who maintains strong ratings on foreign policy and a double-digit lead in favorability among middle-class voters—two areas in which Money Man typically hasn’t polled very well.

Further highlighting the closeness of the race, the poll revealed there are a significant number of undecided voters still weighing the merits of a Money Man presidency vs. a Black Guy presidency.

"It's a tough choice, because both Money Man and Black Guy have strong qualities," said 47-year-old voter Albert Dorin, adding that he may not make up his mind until he sees Money Man and Black Guy next to each other on a stage, debating. "I like Money Man’s views on the economy and on money. However, you have to hand it to Black Guy for finally tracking down and killing bin Laden. And I like his wife, Black Lady, too."

"I like her more than Money Man’s wife, Blonde Lady," Dorin added.

Despite Money Man's rise in the polls, surveys have found that a majority of Republican voters would have preferred to see Food Man from New Jersey on the ballot, had he chosen to run, and that there also would have been strong support for The Woman, especially among the conservative base.

"Food Man from New Jersey or The Woman would have been more in line with my sensibilities, but there's still a good chance Money Man will pick one of the two as his running mate," Ohio voter Margaret Yaster told reporters. "Besides, for me, pretty much any Republican would be better than Black Guy. Even Pizza Black Guy."

"Not Ron Paul, though," Yaster continued. "That guy's out of his goddamn mind."

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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