adBlockCheck

Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Money Man Pulls Even With Black Guy In Latest Poll

WASHINGTON—With the election less than six months away, a nationwide Gallup poll released Wednesday found that Money Man has now pulled even with Black Guy in the 2012 presidential race.

Citing Money Man's significant appeal among veterans—as well as his narrow lead in Florida, a crucial swing state that went to Black Guy in 2008—experts said Money Man is closing the gap on a race that, until quite recently, seemed to be firmly under Black Guy's control.

"I have to say, Money Man has really impressed me lately," said poll respondent Mike Hargett, who is among the 45 percent of independent voters planning to cast a ballot for Money Man in November. "I voted for Black Guy in the last election, but I’ve been fairly disappointed with the job he’s done. As much as I admire Black Guy and his historic achievement, it just seems like the time is right for someone new with fresh ideas to come in and shake things up a bit."

"Someone like Money Man," Hargett added.

Still, Money Man’s current one-point lead over Black Guy is within the Gallup poll’s margin of error, and Washington insiders have pointed to several encouraging signs for Black Guy, who maintains strong ratings on foreign policy and a double-digit lead in favorability among middle-class voters—two areas in which Money Man typically hasn’t polled very well.

Further highlighting the closeness of the race, the poll revealed there are a significant number of undecided voters still weighing the merits of a Money Man presidency vs. a Black Guy presidency.

"It's a tough choice, because both Money Man and Black Guy have strong qualities," said 47-year-old voter Albert Dorin, adding that he may not make up his mind until he sees Money Man and Black Guy next to each other on a stage, debating. "I like Money Man’s views on the economy and on money. However, you have to hand it to Black Guy for finally tracking down and killing bin Laden. And I like his wife, Black Lady, too."

"I like her more than Money Man’s wife, Blonde Lady," Dorin added.

Despite Money Man's rise in the polls, surveys have found that a majority of Republican voters would have preferred to see Food Man from New Jersey on the ballot, had he chosen to run, and that there also would have been strong support for The Woman, especially among the conservative base.

"Food Man from New Jersey or The Woman would have been more in line with my sensibilities, but there's still a good chance Money Man will pick one of the two as his running mate," Ohio voter Margaret Yaster told reporters. "Besides, for me, pretty much any Republican would be better than Black Guy. Even Pizza Black Guy."

"Not Ron Paul, though," Yaster continued. "That guy's out of his goddamn mind."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close