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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Money Spent For Old Time's Sake

BROCKWAY, PA—Harkening back to an abandoned custom that had long existed only in memory, 28-year-old unemployed graphic designer Leslie Gordon exchanged currency for physical goods at a local shopping establishment Friday. "I was reminiscing about all the good times I used to have buying things with money, so I figured why not give it another go?" said Gordon, happily reliving the once-common act of selecting an item of her choosing, taking it to the register for payment, and then becoming its sole owner. "Look, they even still have those barcodes like I remember." As a result of her nostalgic splurge, Gordon will be forced to subsist entirely on maple-syrup- flavored Quaker Oats until next week.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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