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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Mongol Hordes Sack U.S.

An estimated $800 billion in damage was caused Monday when a horde of bloodthirsty Mongols sacked and pillaged the U.S. The horse-mounted Mongol warriors, operating from a stronghold in the Canadian wilderness, moved in from the north and plundered U.S. riches, sweeping as far south as Oklahoma before making their way back across the border. President Clinton is calling for the construction of a national moat to prevent future attacks.

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