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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Monopoly Releases Special 'Regular Monopoly' Edition

PAWTUCKET, RI—Following the success of its Star Wars Monopoly, I Love Lucy Monopoly, College Monopoly, Monopoly Junior, and Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition, Hasbro announced Monday the release of its latest Monopoly incarnation, Regular Monopoly Monopoly.

"This unique 'regular' version of the classic board game will feature faithful reproductions of the Monopoly game board, paper money, and game pieces such as a thimble, top hat, and Scottie dog," read a Hasbro press release on the new game, which also replaces the iconic, high-valued properties of Mariowalk and Luigi Place with its own fancifully named "Boardwalk" and "Park Place." "We at Hasbro continue to be amazed at how a nearly 80-year-old real-estate game easily transitions into all these diverse and unpredictable forms."

Hasbro also announced that it will release an all-new, non-deluxe edition of Scrabble for the holiday season.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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